Photographs Always Make Me Cry

When Tiffani Danielle and I started this collaboration, I didn’t know where it was going or that I would feel so strongly about the results.

 

An uncomfortable reality surfaces when I see a photograph of myself. No one ever notices the swell of emotions and tears I fight when I see myself in pictures. I have never had much self-confidence. I used to be very insecure about how I looked. Over time, I started to avoid mirrors because I didn’t want to face the reason for my insecurities. It was easier to pretend it didn’t matter.

 

I remember my grandmother avoiding pictures, and dismissing compliments. I also, remember her staring out of the kitchen window eating plums in deep thought. Did we share the same thoughts? What did she feel about seeing herself? Do all women feel like this?

 

I am grateful I have my daughters. It has taught me to watch my words and demeanor towards my body. I would never want my feelings to create negative ideas in their heads about themselves. Instead, I tell them how beautiful they are, and how much they are loved so they can grow up with a positive self-image of themselves. They have helped me learn to love myself.

As an artist and a mother, it is hard for me to get pictures of myself working or with my family. The amount of time it takes for me to set up and stage my studio for self-photography takes many long, boring hours. The natural energy that Tiffani captured is far different from staging my own pictures. I witnessed Tiffani get into the flow, in a deep concentration, where she talked to me while snapping away and working her magic. She was able to capture so many photos from the most beautiful angles as the sun was quickly setting.

 

I believe the job of a photographer is an important one. A photographer captures a different essence of you, which can be difficult to do yourself. It’s the essence we don’t see when we look in the mirror. It’s the essence that other people witness in our natural state. Seeing myself in these images helped me perceive what others observe. Am I an artist? Is this how I want to be portrayed? Yes, a full-hearted yes. Yes, this is me, this is the me I don’t get to express when I am doing all the mom tasks like dishes, groceries, and laundry. Yes, this is the special little part of me that is a dreamer, a creator, playful, and experimental. Making pretty things because it makes my soul happy. It makes me smile and fills me with joy.

Over the years, I have chosen to get uncomfortable, to break down barriers of self-doubt, spending more time in front of a camera to build my confidence. I look back at old photos of when I was younger, wondering why I didn’t think I was beautiful or loved myself more. The time when I was in my twenties, petite and perfect, the times I was pregnant with a beautiful baby in my swollen belly, the two times I lost all my postpartum weight. The more years that pass, the more I look back and realize that I was beautiful even though I didn’t feel it at the time. I will only get older, and my body will change again. If I do not learn to love myself the way I am now, I will regret it in the future.

 

We cannot go back and change the love we did not give ourselves in the past, but we can make a choice today to love ourselves better right now.

I want to encourage you to work with a photographer. It can be for your business, or just for yourself. Especially if you avoid doing it. It can be healing to get in front of a camera. I know prices can be too much, especially with today’s economy, but bartering is an excellent way to start. Local photographers who are starting out often offer quick photoshoots at discounted prices to build their portfolios. Check out your local mom’s Facebook groups for these opportunities.

 

Photography by Tiffani Danielle Photography